On Wednesday, I went to the ordodontist to change my band color. I asked for gray (or "silver" as the assistant called it). She didn't tighten the wires or anything. She just changed the color. When the ordodontist came by to inspect her work, he seemed pleased. I suspected that both of them are sleeping with each other. The assistant is very gorgeous, I'll admit that I'm jealous of her. She embodies everything that I don't have. The ordodontist refers her as "honey", which seemed really unusual, as if he had feelings for her. Maybe that word had no particular meaning.

He said that the hole had gotten bigger in my teeth. He put the spring on my braces to elt the gay widen so he could perform surgery. I thought that I had to wear braces for at least 18 months. (That's what my uncle said). Not anymore! Maybe it's early. Maybe I can get my braces removed early. He said that I brushed and flossed my teeth well. He said that he's going to put a bracket on my pesky tooth. He did and tried to use little motions to pull the tooth out. The tooth remained in the same position. He seemed very fustrated. He let me go. My next appointment is in August 5. He said to come back in five or six weeks.

My uncle got back from his trip to China and he bought us gifts. It was t-shirts. He bought Angel, P.I., me and my sister t-shirts. There were four t-shirts to choose from. There are a red t-shirt with a panda and Chiense words (big) t-shirt, pink, white, and gray (same designs on the front, althought smaller than the red one). The panda doesn't look anything like anime. It's just a regular colored panda. I choose the grey shirt for myself and the light pink for my sister. She'll never go for the white or the red one. Maybe Angel can have the red one. It's the biggest one out of them all. And P.I. can have the white one. At that point, I felt so loved and felt grateful that I have someone who cares about me. It's been awhile since I experienced that feeling. He buys me these things all these years and I haven't repaid him. Maybe after I've done several sex acts, he can have some of my profits.

Two days before, as I was reading a blog about porn stars in Porn Valley (P.S. Babylon Blog), I stumbled upon a porn video distributor website. I was watching a lot of trailers and admiring the movie covers. they are very creative and beautiful. Right then and there, I realized that porn isn't so bad after all. The music is catchy, the actors are hot, the scenes seem real, the pay is awesome, and the friendships seem sunreal. I desperate want a friend. Maybe I'll find one in Porn Valley.

I wanted to suck cock..but no guy will ever come tome. I'm so desperate. At this point, I don't care if I had to lie. I need to SUCK.

Yesterday, I discovered that my stubborn bottom tooth has finally pulled out! Yes, it was aligning with the empty gap! Finally, I wanted this for so long! I've wanted this for eighteen years! The tooth is very small. When you see the side of teeth, you can see that there is no tooth overlapping the other. The bottom tooth is aligned and my teeth look straight.

Yesterday, I got high...I took those pills again. I felt very giggly for some reason. I took an entire year of pills and it didn't hurt me. In fact, they help me. It help me do things that I normally wouldn't do. It helped me getting my ears pierced, shoplift items, and actually talk to random people in class. It helped me became a better person and not shy. I came out of my shell....as long as I had those pills. Without thos epills, my memory became clearer and I became a tad shy. I wouldn't say stupid things that would come out of my mouth.

After failing high school and not acheiving my dream of going to college, I realized that I am worthless. I've wanted a boyfriend since I was 12 years old and I haven't had one throughout middle school and high school. It's been 7 years since I first thought about having one. And I'm still coming up short of finding a boyfriend. Perhaps I am hopelessly ugly. But then how do you explain that girls were making nasty rumors about me in N.A.H.S.? They are just jealous of my looks. They hardly knew me.  No man wants me.

My father tells me to keep on going in school. A flashback that I jsut had: It's my Dunwoody report card from this October. He hardly looks at my report card. And if he does, he'll just say to "maybe you'll do better next time."

By the way, Michael Jackson died yesterday. I don't see what the hullabaloo is all about. I hardly listen to his songs. I guess he's all right in my book because he had a skin condition and it couldn't be cured.

• Friday, June 26, 2009 •